More than a Candy Cross

Had the best time last night with some ladies from our church fellowship. We all went to a local painting place and spent a couple of hours laughing, painting and just having a great time. I was able to spend some time getting to know a few new faces and enjoy conversation with a few familiar faces.

Isn't it just like God to allow things that we aren't expecting to happen to help us in some way? Shortly after arriving, I noticed a familiar face. One I had not seen in many years. One I had admired and cared about years ago. However, it wasn't a happy reunion. As a matter of fact, there were no words. My heart ached to speak but I remained silent. I didn't know what to say. The only thing that came to mind was "I'm sorry". Sorry for not being who I said I was. Sorry for not returning borrowed property. Sorry. And sorry wasn't even the depth of it. I was, am, more than just sorry. Broken over who I was. Broken. Though I wanted to weep, I smiled. Then I heard a voice, one I had not heard in years. One that brought back more fond memories. Still, it was one that I wasn't sure even really wanted to see me. However, it was good. Refreshing.

We painted a "Candy Cross". Full of color and fun. And all I could think of was there was nothing "candy" about the cross. It happened so that the person I was, I no longer had to be. I no longer had to hold on to my shame. I no longer had to hold on to regret. I am free. Do I want to experience the freedom the words "I forgive you" bring? Yes. More than I can even say. I know that I've been forgiven ultimately. Forgiveness that only my Lord and Savior can give.

I'm not perfect and I won't claim to be. I make mistakes. A LOT. I fail at things. I fail people. More than I want to think or admit. But this morning, I woke up to the sound of the rain outside. And there was a burden lifted. People may not like me, in fact they may despise me. I can't change their opinions of me. And I have to be okay with that. I can't refuse to build relationships, friendships, for fear of failure or negative opinions. Today, I know there is forgiveness. And I rejoice knowing that THE cross is more than just a "Candy Cross".

When forgiveness isn't enough

This morning was like MANY others. My middle alarm clock woke up around 4 AM, shortly after the little one finished his bottle. My gracious husband handled him so I could catch a few more Z's. Six forty seemed way too early but so much to do today. Breakfast to fix, oldest to preschool, groceries to buy...because we have breakfast foods but really, who needs 12 boxes of cereal?!


In the midst of dressing all 3 boys and myself, I found myself out of favor with my oldest. I asked the middle one to bring me the baby wipes and the oldest to bring me a diaper for the baby. The oldest quickly grabbed the wipes and headed toward me. I asked him to give them to his brother and bring me a diaper, much to his dismay. What ensued was a semi-silent tantrum. One that lasted well after I dropped him off at preschool.

I could say so many things here about the temperament of my precious oldest son, the rather sweet 4 year old that he his. But I will refrain. After the noticeable frustration and anger he was feeling because he did not get his way, I asked his forgiveness for not realizing beforehand of his desire to get the wipes (something he is not usually asked to do). I want him, and his brothers, to understand that when they make a mistake, it is good to acknowledge they were wrong and ask forgiveness. I want them to be men who are honest and trustworthy.

However, as we were walking into the school, he was still visibly upset. Before walking in I stopped and asked him what was going on. He repeated that he was still upset over the episode with the baby wipes. Still. Still! But I asked forgiveness and even made a promise to let him bring the wipes next time. I hugged him and we walked in. As he went in his class, his first words to his little friends were about what had happened at home. Ugh! I kept thinking

Just forget about it and move on!

Then it hit me like a TON of bricks. How can I expect his forgiveness when I am quick to punish? Why should I be given grace and make him live by the letter of the law? I am a Pharisee.

I've heard the saying

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

a 1000 times. But what I hadn't banked on was that what doesn't kill you can make you hard-hearted and bitter, can take away your childhood and make you shrug off the responsibilities of adulthood. What am I doing to my sons?!

My desire is that they will desire an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. That as a mom I will extend grace immeasurably (circumstantially as I am able) and be a living example of how they too can extend grace to others. I desire for my boys to see Jesus in and through me. To understand that mom (& dad) make mistakes and they will too but there is forgiveness and grace not just law and consequences.

What about you? What do your children see in you? Are you quick to ask forgiveness and slow to extend grace? May we all look to Christ as our example and be found in His grace today.